Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Spray you, spray me

Warm weather in LA is finally (sorta) here. The jacarandas are blooming, flip flops are being worn, and DHA is in the air. I'm an unabashed fan of the spray tan. Glowing skin makes us white folk look healthier and prettier. Seriously- my friend once had her doctor tell her "how much better she looked" during her follow up visit, but what he didn't know is that she had gotten a spray tan. She still felt like shit. It fools professionals!

So I had my first ever airbrush spray tan tonight. My local Mystic tanning spot was doing a $25 promotion for current customers, which is quite a deal. Usually, my spray tanning involves a chamber, nakedness, and solitude. This time, it still involved nakedness, but also a 7 foot tall brown walk-in camping tent, another person, and a motorized hose type thing with a nozzle that reminded me of a weed abater. I had to move into different poses (including a left and right "lunge") as she swept the spraying hose up and down. At one point, she was like, "sorry it's so cold! I can see your goose bumps!" and I was thinking, "girl, this is so much better than the last time I was naked in front of a stranger, getting my ho-ha sapped with a laser and wearing protective eye gear."

Whenever I fake 'n bake, I never get it with added "bronzer," which is basically just dark powder that gets your white sheets filthy and makes you look like, well, a chimney sweep. It's body make-up that washes down the drain the next morning. Totally unnecessary for any purpose you could ever think of, unless you were staging an episode of Lost in your living room, that night. I usually just get the clear chemicals sprayed onto me, and like magic, it develops overnight into a golden glow.

This is gonna look so good for Maui!
Apparently the airbrush version of a spray tan necessitates the bronzer so the chick applying it can see where it's gone. Makes sense- so I compromised on my no-bronzer philosphy, and here I am, starled when I look in the mirror.

Meaning, I look like a chimney sweep right now.

This leads me to two thoughts: 1) on average, how many more times a year are women naked with strangers than men are? and 2) what in the world do airbrushed spray-tanning women do who live with men? As in, romantically? As much as I'm looking forward to someday living with my man, nights like tonight give me pause. Seriously, I look like a crazy person right now. After I got the airbrush bronzer tan, I bought hummus and wine at the Albertsons in Los Feliz, and the checker couldn't avert her eyes. And this is Los Feliz, where I've seen homeless people sunbathing spread eagle on street  corners. On that note, I do sorta look homeless right now.

Is this why Margot Tennenbaum kept her secret apartment?


  1. Okay, I have written this comment three times and it has gotten somehow removed each time. Damn it.

    1) I would say like 3-4 times as much.
    2) We either hope that they will uphold the code of cohabitation, which involves ignoring these moments and pretending they never happened. Though I guess true love is being able to look like a chimney sweep and have the person love you anyway. All that being said, I don't think Geoff (or most men) would be aware of the work we all undertake to remain hairless, blonde, gel-nailed, eye-lash extended or dyed, etc if I did not tell him. And really I only tell him so that he does not look at other girls and think that they are just naturally "perfect". ("Those boobs are FAKE. Her hair is EXTENSIONS! SHE IS ANOREXIC!")

    All marriages would be better if there could be two bathrooms so beauty upkeep could remain as private as possible. However, there is great comfort when I wake up with scratchy legs and smeared mascara and he tells me he loves me just the way I am. Nothing tops that.

  2. Also, if you have not heard this song, you should look it up:

    Pedro the Lion
    When They Really Get To Know You, They Will Run

    what makes you think that it won't grow back
    in a day or two
    husbands in winter, they know the truth
    but what can they do
    i don't like girls the way they are
    so shave their legs, and make them look like movie stars
    then we can pretend it's natural
    put on whatever makes you attractive
    if it's not you, then do it for the sake of fashion
    your friends like a certain you?-, that's who you've got to be

    junior high legs; blond hair gone brown
    from removing it
    waxing since thirteen - wisdom from a beauty queen
    her tiara digging deep in her head

    put on whatever makes you attractive
    if it's not you, then do it for the sake of fashion
    your friends like a certain you?-, that's who you have to be
    that's who you've got to be

    i'm starting to think that i'm kind of shy, or at least i'd like to be

    winter legs give me heart attacks so take it off with lasers, so it never comes back
    then we can pretend it's natural